life with sticks in one's head

“I want to go home”

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I find it infinitely confusing that, when I am really feeling shite (less often than before of course), but feeling the weight and the emptiness and the living death, a pleading refrain runs through my head that I cannot understand: “I want to go home”. What the fuck does it mean? It doesn’t mean I want to return to my parents’ house, or return to my apartment. Rather, I think it reflects on the homelessness of depression and its concurrent loneliness. In fact, I would suggest that depression is a form of homelessness, a form of homelessness so great that one would often rather die that live one moment longer in senseless, alienating pain. But what’s the home I’m longing for? Is it the home of mental acuity? I often think so. I suppose I’ve made my home, increasingly throughout my life, in the life of my mind. And depression is nothing if not the decay or even death of the mind.


Written by sticksinthehead

16 February 2011 at 6:25 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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