life with sticks in one's head

Insomnia again

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So I can’t sleep, and worse than that, I’m feeling rather angry. Odds are it’s at myself, as I just keep saying (I would scream but I have a downstairs neighbor to think about), gritting my teeth, “FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.” What part of myself is another question. Invariably this is followed by a more pitiable “I want to go home,” which I think I’ve written about earlier. I sort of want to punch a hole in the wall. I suppose I feel less depressed these days, but just as paralyzed. I talked to Marc earlier about how I wonder in fear whether “this is as good as it’s going to get,” because it isn’t good enough. I still don’t have a quick, sharp mind. For example, I left Marc’s office around 4:15, and somehow didn’t remember to go to the pharmacy with my script until 11:00 pm. Where they didn’t have any, and couldn’t give me any advice as to who might. Not that it would have mattered, because they are the only 24 hour pharmacy of which I know. So now I have no opiates for tomorrow (well, I have half a pill, because I didn’t take it tonight) and the sense that pharmacies are having a hard time getting it AGAIN. Half the point is, why did it take me until eleven fucking o’clock to remember I had this very important script to fill? Well, the answer is because my mind is a fucking sieve.

So I’m not near catatonic in pain anymore. But I’m still pretty fucking useless. And I still can’t imagine myself in the world in any meaningful way. My friends don’t need me. Sometimes I think they’re surprised when they hear from me, like they’ve forgotten about me. I suppose my family does need me,” but just because they love me. I’m impatient — if I can get this much better, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t actually get Better? What do I hate? My brain — a brain that is rather remarkable in finding ways to outwit drug treatment, laugh darkly in the face of ECT, and, I fear, DBS eventually. What good is that kind of remarkable?


Written by sticksinthehead

27 April 2011 at 12:21 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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