life with sticks in one's head

shitty times

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This weekend was pretty bad. It was nice helping Lxxx and Mxxxxx make a birthday cake for my mum, but I felt rotten most of the time. Not sure what is up. In a sense Occupy Philly has been a boon to me personally, forgetting for a moment the excitement of participating in a larger scale anarchist project. And the Shoe is, as always, my second family. But I don’t know, I am feeling things that are difficult to sort out. Am I overwhelmed? Don’t know. I do know that I was desperate, as OP went on, to forge real relationships with people. And I’m not sure that I have. I mean, I have, but I don’t know that they exist or will ever exist outside the circle of occupy. I don’t see Occupy ending, which is exciting as all hell, but at the same time, it’s hard to see my growing with it. I feel like a cog or something, like I don’t contribute anything but my body and solidarity. I still don’t have ideas of my own, which is NOT to say I can’t think for myself. I can do that, and continue to do it. But ever since we’ve gone off site, I’ve felt increasingly like a piece of shit. I miss meetings with some frequency. When I try  to open up about my shit, other people also start opening up about their shit, which should be good, but there are just so many people around that it doesn’t create any fucking sense of shared struggle, or empathy, or anything it should. I still feel like a loser. With no plans. With no skills. Who fades into the sea, even a sea of protestors.

This weekend, I just wanted to curl up and disappear.


Written by sticksinthehead

23 January 2012 at 4:20 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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